All That I've Got
by wewillmissyou
Summary: Mary's world falls apart as James, who she loves more than anything, falls for Lily Evans. Listen as she tells her story of heartbreak, false hope, murder, passion, jealousy, and most of all love.


From the top of the tower, I could see everything. I could see the stars reflecting off the lake, the lights from the castle dancing on the grounds, and I could vaguely see a stag, a dog, and a smaller animal heading towards the Whomping Willow. Perhaps, a rat?

The other two animals could not capture my attention. I just stared at the snow-white stag, and his elegant horns. He looked small from the distance but in reality he was huge, warm, and comforting. I knew this stag well, and seeing it only intensified the sharp pain in my chest.

The ache reminded me of what I was going to do. I took one last look at the stars, my beautiful stag, and the grounds around me. Then without another thought, I stretched out my arms and sprung deep into the shadows, falling from a height that couldn't be survived. At least, I hoped it couldn't.

_Five months earlier _

I tapped my fingers nervously on my Potions desk, waiting for Slughorn to come around and grade my potion. This had always been my best class, my favourite class, and I couldn't wait to see what I had gotten. It was the only good grade I could expect.

My potions partner, Camilla, was glaring at my hand. She really hated when I tapped. I ignored her scowl, and kept on drumming.

Her potion was not the desired colour, texture, or smell. Camilla had always been hopeless at Potions, but stubborn as can be if I offered my help. She and I weren't exactly "mates" but friends in a way. If it weren't for my inability to let anybody besides James get close to me, and the fact that she had red hair, I'm guessing we could have been close. Not best mates, since I already have the perfect one, but good friends, at least.

When Slughorn reached our table, he looked at Camilla's potion first. Not because it was closest, but because he knew he would have to be disappointed before he could receive a real treat. I'm normally not immodest but my ability to brew potions is my only extraordinary quality. I am plain and ordinary, or below ordinary, in everything else.

"Miss Jacobs, I'm afraid you only get half marks for this lesson. You seem to have skipped lines two and seven." Professor Slughorn gave her a sad sort of smile as he wrote down the mark. She frowned.

I stopped my tapping as soon as Slughorn reached my portion of the desk and bent down to smell my lovely purple potion. "Miss Chakesfield, excellent job! Full marks, of course. I'm starting to feel I should move you up to the seventh year class!"

The Professor grinned at me. My heart somewhat stopped. If I was moved up, I could be in a class with James, but that would also mean a class with Lily Evans. Which meant a class of watching James stare at Lily, who I heard was just as good, if not better, at Potions than I was.

"Uhh…no thank you, Professor." I said quietly. He examined my face for a moment then smiled.

"Well, of course not. You like being a big fish in a small pond, don't you?"

That really was not the case, but it was easier to please Slughorn than argue with him. "You caught me, sir."

He chuckled slightly, and with another approving look at my potion, he moved on to Johnson twins table. I sighed with relief, and emptied my cauldron.

"I don't know why you don't just move up." Camilla sniffed her tone rather nasty.

I turned to look at her. She wasn't beautiful in the traditional kind of sense, for her nose was too big and her mouth too thin. But with her fiery curls surrounding her almost purple eyes, it was hard not think she was at the very least attractive. That fact seemed to go to her head, and she often considered herself better than everyone else. Her demeanor proved it.

"I don't see why it's any of your business," I smiled at her, my words having a friendly tenor to them. When she decided to be a prat with me, I was as cold as possible while making sure my words came out nicely. Something I learned from dear old mum. One of the only things I learned from her, really. It annoys people more to use fake kindness than to be outright mean.

Camilla smiled back, ice in her voice as she said, "Well, I just don't see why you can't move up. You would do so much better in a seventh year class. Especially one with Lily Evans. She would make you step up your game, so you can make sure she doesn't beat you at _everything_."

Ouch. That stung. Camilla was obviously more perceptive then I thought, and obviously more cruel. Even the Johnson twins were nice enough not to mention James or Lily, and their favourite activity was taking the mickey out of me.

"I would, but I enjoy watching nosy little gits fail this class to much." There was no false kindness in my voice, only anger.

She glared at me. I glared back.

The tension was broken when the Professor dismissed the class. I packed up my things, glad it was the last class of the day.

I walked out of the dungeons by myself, wondering where I should go. The common room was out of the question, since both Lily and Camilla would be there. I didn't want to deal with _that_ right now. It was raining outside so I ruled out studying by the lake. I finally decided to go to the library and do my Arthimacy essay which I had put off until today. It was due Friday, or as it was now, tomorrow.

The library was fairly empty when I arrived, but I wasn't surprised to see Remus sitting at a table, scribbling away at some parchment. I set my books down next to him, and climbed into the seat.

He looked up from his writing to greet me. "Hello, Mary."

I smiled at him, "Hello Remus. What are you up to?"

Remus sighed. He then showed me his parchment whose heading was, 'Six-hundred ways that the Goblin Wars changed life.'

"Ouch," I said. I couldn't imagine a duller essay topic, or a longer one. He nodded in agreement, and went back to writing. I took my own parchment and quill out and started on mine.

I was about half way through when I heard a voice from behind me. I jumped then relaxed as I recognized it. I would recongnize his voice anywhere.

"Mary, what are you doing studying with Moony? You should be eating dinner with me and Sirius. God knows you look like you need a good meal."

I turned in my seat to see James and his infectious grin. Standing next to him, was Sirius, who was never far from my best mate.

"Ha, ha. I like studying with Remus, 'sides why would I want to eat with you blokes? Sirius talks while he eats, and milk flies out your nose. It's like taking a shower, only a lot more disgusting." I scrunched up my nose in faux distain. James smiled cheekily, and Sirius ruffled my hair.

"You think you're so funny, don't you Chakesfield?" He laughed as I slapped at his big hand, trying to get it away from my curls.

"I'm bloody hysterical, and you know it, Black. But I'll become menacing in a second, if you don't get your grubby mitts off my hair!"

Sirius laughed his barking laugh. "Mary, you couldn't be menacing even if you gained twenty pounds and grew some muscle!"

I finally succeeded in getting his hand off my head and scowled, "It's not my fault I'm not a big brute!"

He tried to keep a glare on his face, but failed and started laughing. I started to gather up my books and things while he was distracted. If I left anything out, Sirius would take my books and dangle them over my head.

Sirius had become the big brother I'd always wanted. He teased me, sure, but it was fun. Sirius was a good friend, and I loved him for it. He was my distraction from the real world and often times the reason behind my laugh; but he also had his bad qualities. One was, of course, all the girls. I was never once jealous of the girls for getting to shag him. I was jealous of them for taking the time I have to spend with him away because the more time I spent with him, the more time I spent with James. Another one of Sirius's flaws was that I couldn't spend as much time with James as I'd like too.

I must confess, I'm madly in love with James. I have been since I was thirteen, I've loved him since I was a child. Growing up, James was my sole companion, playmate, and my best friend. He knew about my past, and from the time we were five, (that is when things got bad), he always held me in his arms. James never failed to put a smile on my face or make me feel safe. I sleep in his bed quite often because he chases the nightmares away. There is nothing sexual about it, as I sometimes wish, only pure friendship and love. Now we don't do it very often; Lily doesn't like it.

James doesn't love me the way I love him. I doubt he ever will or ever can. As much as I'd like for him to love me the way I do him, I know he's given his heart to another: Lily Evans.

Even if James didn't love her, and just lusted after her, I couldn't compare. She is smarter, more beautiful, and an all around happier person. People gravitate toward her, while I tend to repel people with my unfriendly and distrusting eyes. Lily is everything I want to be, and she has everything I have to live without: his kiss on her lips, his hands on her waist, and the fact that he loves her in the way every girl wants to be loved.

James and Lily have been dating for three weeks and five days. If I had a clock I could tell you the hours and seconds too. It seems strange that I, of all people, would know such a mundane fact. But I know it well, because on October 31st at 8:19 P.M. my heart broke into one million little pieces, all so fragile that with one touch they will break into a million more.

I've been dealing with the pain. (Not very well, but dealing at least.). James has no clue, he thinks that I'm happy for him. He has never known that I'm in love with him, and he will never know how much pain I'm in right now.

Sometimes I wonder if he knows more about it then he lets on. I truly hope not.

"Remus, you want to come to dinner with us?" James asked, pulling me out of thoughts. He was leaning over Remus' shoulders, trying to get glimpse of his essay.

Remus chuckled. "Maybe when I've finished writing four-hundred and sixty-two more ways goblin wars changed life as we live it."

James and Sirius both groaned sympathetically.

"Tough luck, mate." Sirius said. "You should drop out of History of Magic. It's the best decision I've ever made."

James snorted, "Which isn't saying much. You usually let firewhiskey make your decisions for you."

James received a punch on the arm. I giggled and picked up my things, standing up.

"Sorry to leave you, Remus. But I am hungry." I said.

Remus waved his hand, "It's no problem."

"We'll bring some food to the dorm tonight for you, Moony." Sirius winked in an obvious sort of way. I rolled my eyes and wished Remus luck.

Sirius and James chorused, "Goodbye," at the same time and that had them laughing. I sighed and left the library, the boys at my heels.

In the hallway, I realized how late it must be. It was all ready dark outside, and I could see the stars from outside the window closest to me.

"What time is it, James?" I asked.

He smiled lightly at me, "Seven thirty, Mare Bear. I just came back from watching Lily eat. I would have grabbed something with her, but Sirius was complaining about not getting enough 'James time'. And I figure if I'm neglecting him, I'm neglecting you."

I swallowed hard, and I wonder if he could see the sadness in my face. I hadn't ever felt that James neglected me, I always felt I got much more time than I deserved with him. Even now, as he and I hung around less and less, I didn't feel as if I was being neglected. Sure, it hurt to be away from him, but I didn't mind. At least I got time with him.

"You're not neglecting me, Jamie. As much as I love my 'James time', I think that it's important for you to spend time with your girlfriend." I did that often, say the opposite of what I feel just to make sure that James has no idea how I feel. It was easy to lie, but I felt guilty about it. Deceiving James is something I've always hated to do.

"See, Sirius," James said, "Mary thinks I'm doing everything right. Maybe you're just too dependant on me for your own good!"

Sirius laughed, "Of course, that must be it. I'm much to dependant on a specky git for my own good."

I smiled at my mates' banter, almost succeeding in banishing the pain away to a place where I could not feel it until later tonight, when the lights are off and I'm in bed.

Sirius, James, and I chatted lightly about random topics until we reached the Great Hall. Dinner was almost over and we were some of the last to be arriving. I took advantage of the emptiness of the Gryffindor table and took a seat in the middle, in front of all the fruit. I have never had a big appetite and fruit was basically what I lived off of. I usually have to ask sixteen people to pass it to me, so I was happy I wouldn't have to go through such a hassle.

Sirius and James sat on either side of me, both piling food onto their plates that had magically appeared.

"So Mary, have you brought up your Charms grade yet?" James asked conversationally, flashing me a teasing smile with food in his mouth.

I gagged. "James, mate, chew with your mouth closed. And no, I still have a Dreadful. I'm afraid Flitwick is going to kick me out of his class."

Sirius swallowed his food and said, "Drop Charms then. You don't need it to be a Potions professor."

"That's true, but I really like Charms." I pushed around my dinner on my plate. I had a nasty habit of playing with my food.

"Lily can help you, Mary!" James exclaimed, like he was just struck by some brilliant amount of inspiration. "She's ace at charms."

I felt all the colour drain from my face. James has to know that Lily hates me. And that I don't exactly consider her my best mate.

"Um, no thanks, James," I said quietly.

James looked at me strangely. "Why not, Mary? It would be perfect! You two can bond, and you can bring up your grade to an at least Exceeds Expectations!"

I was saved the effort of trying to convince James that it wasn't such a good idea by Lily herself. She snuck up behind James and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Hey," she whispered in his ear and I saw the goosebumps rise on his arms.

I took a sip from my water, trying to fight back the tears. James turned in his seat to give Lily a peck on the lips. She smiled and took a seat on the other side of him.

I was out of my chair in the blink of an eye.

"Where are you going, Mary?" James asked, still dazed from kissing Lily.

"Uh…err…I forgot…my…uh…Potions essay! I've got to…err….do it?" Before I could embarrass myself further I took my bag and ran out the door.

I kept running until I was around the corner and up the stairs before I slowed to a walk concentrating on biting my bottom lip so I wouldn't cry.

I managed to make it to the common room and my dorm before the tears started to fall. Luckily, I was the only one in my dorm. I grabbed my nightgown, swiping at my face as I turned on the shower.

The hot water soothed my muscles as I started to sob. Why couldn't James love me? Why her? Why Lily?

The jealousy was eating me up. I glared at my wet soapy hair for being black and curly instead of red and straight. I cursed myself for not having the curves Lily had, only a stick skinny body that my uniform did not flatter.

Eventually, after I had scrubbed myself raw, I climbed out of the shower and towel dried my hair. I avoided the mirror and climbed straight into bed, not caring that it wasn't even nine yet. I had no more tears to cry, so I just laid on my bed staring at the ceiling until my nightmares took me to places I didn't want to go. Memories I didn't want to revisit surfaced to the tip of my brain and the last thing I heard was a sickly sweet voice calling crowing 'baby' before sleep claimed me.


End file.
